The dragonfly, transformation and rebirth

There's (temporarily) a bug in my chest

The uncertainty phase

There is a before and an after when you are told that you have an breast cancerBut I would say that there is an intermediate phase, full of uncertainty, which begins with all the tests you undergo at the hospital and the time that elapses until the result is confirmed.

In my case they were very tense days, in which I could hardly sleep, because my mind traveled at the speed of light and did not leave me alone. There was a lot of uncertainty, although a part of me was already anticipating what they were going to tell me.

In the tests I could see the faces of the doctors and the technicians who attended me. None of them could confirm anything without the final results, but their faces were like open books to me.

In these days of tension I tried to do some meditation exercises. I just prayed to heaven for a message that could calm me down a little.

A few words then echoed in my mind: "Don't be afraid, don't be afraid.".

But fear is free and travels fast.

Confirmation of breast cancer news and treatment

Internally, I was preparing myself for the news. On the 19th, during my visit with the gynecologist, I received the worst news of my life. I had a malignant tumor in my right breast. I remember that I went to this visit with my mother. We were both in shock and a thousand things went through my head.

My life had come to a complete stop. The first thing I asked was if I had any hope of survival. The doctor then, within this terrible news, with great firmness she assured me two or three times, that the treatment they were going to provide me with was curative.

Curative, curative, curative.

That calmed me down somewhat, but my head was already scheming about everything and it was all bad and pessimistic.

The doctor explained to me the process that I would have to follow from now on, an MRI and a visit with oncology for chemotherapy treatment and then surgery. She clarified that in the surgery, if I needed reconstruction, it would be done on the same day, so I would leave with my full breast.

However, he told me to prepare myself, because I was going to have a very hard year.

We said thank you and left the office with tears welling up in our eyes. My mother and I hugged and left for home.

Coping with the news of breast cancer

From here on, everything was hell for me. I have always been a very positive and optimistic person, but this was terrifying. On the one hand I was trying to anchor myself to the words the gynecologist told me. "curative treatment, curative treatment"But on the other hand, fear was running rampant in my mind and my mind was projecting destructive and chaotic scenarios. I could not control it, I was overwhelmed. I just wanted to disappear.

Then came an MRI and later a visit with the oncologist who explained to me in more detail what I had and how far I could go. I could not stop crying in the consultation room. I was very broken. But, in spite of the bad things, there were also very positive things (white flags), in the diagnosis as to the extent of the tumor and this was what I had to anchor myself to in order to continue.

The oncologist explained to me the treatment I was going to receive and on July 3 I underwent a CAT scan and an electrocardiogram and then began my first cycle of chemotherapy of four total in the first phase, with 21-day intervals between cycles.

The main goal is to reduce the size of the bug that has (temporarily) lodged in my chest.

The dragonfly, transformation and rebirth

On June 28th I was watering in my garden, when a dragonfly appeared out of nowhere among my ferns.

I had never seen dragonflies in my garden. There have been many butterflies, ladybugs, lizards, grasshoppers, snails,... but never a dragonfly, so I momentarily stood still.

The dragonfly made a short flight and landed back on the fern, right in front of me. I asked permission to take a picture of it and quickly took out my cell phone and was able to take several pictures before it took off and flew away.

I looked up on the internet what it means to see dragonflies and was amazed at what I found.

Dragonflies represent transformation and rebirth.. They are also considered totems of mental lightness.

I interpreted it as another message that could apply to me.

My life was transforming and I had to be reborn. And lightness of mind was also a requirement that I needed to implement. I have always been a person who overthinks things, I ruminate and ruminate thoughts, what people say, which affects me greatly. Something here was telling me that I necessarily had to start making adjustments in the way I process and manage my thoughts.

I was very happy to have received such a powerful and enlightening message and knew that my first illustration to portray this process was going to contain a dragonfly.

I have made this illustration to represent the transformation and rebirth symbolized by a dragonfly.

I have made it with Adobe Illustrator and it is therefore a vector illustration. I have created several color versions, with pinkish colors in all of them, since pink is the color by definition of the breast cancer ribbon.

The invisible network of support and love

I would like to highlight and delve much deeper into what has helped me the most in these first steps.

There is an invisible network of support and love that envelops you from the very beginning. This network is formed by the people who love you, but also by people that life will introduce to you in this process and who directly or indirectly are also linked to breast cancer, either because they have experienced it personally or because they work with people who are experiencing it.

Family

My family, especially my parents and my brother are my most direct support and on whom I have unloaded a lot of weight. Their unconditional love, affection, support and constant care are the elements that are giving me the most strength.

Friends

In my case, I had first-hand friends who had already gone through this process and who from the beginning supported me, listened, gave encouragement and words of comfort, because they never once doubted that this would not be cured.

One of them was also the first one who, when I told her that I had a lump in my breast, forced me to go to the hospital, to the emergency room, so that they could see it right away. I was waiting for the appointment, but it had not arrived yet. My friend insisted that I not wait another day and take action by showing up at the ER. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for giving me that push I didn't know I needed.

Having positive friends in whom you can unload part of this burden is very important, because they will give you encouragement when you don't have it, when you are more fragile, when you are very small. Cheer up and lots of good love.

I clung to his words in my moments of greatest doubt and fragility.

I think what I needed most at the beginning was confirmation that there would be a way out of this cesspool my mind got into and they partly gave it to me.

I get emotional and tears come to my eyes now remembering it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Other friends (who fortunately have not gone through this), also saw me cry, cry a lot, having hit rock bottom and they consoled me with infinite love, affection and patience.

I felt very fortunate to be able to call them when I had my emotional lows and have them cheer me up.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When my new situation became known, the amount of messages and calls to give love and support were enormous. I have no words to express my gratitude for so many expressions of affection.

Earth angels

But then life presents you with others as well. earth angels that appear at the very moment you need them.

On July 3, when I had my CT scan early in the morning and before my first cycle of chemotherapy started, one of the technicians held my hand at the end of the test and inquired about my condition.

When I explained what was happening to me, I started to cry. I was very nervous and also very afraid. My earth angel told me that she had also gone through the same thing five years ago. She explained to me her case, which a priori was more difficult than mine. And there she was now, five years later and helping me. She gave me a big hug and told me that everything was going to be fine. She recommended me to exercise, which is very important in these processes and I noticed how my anxiety had been reduced and I had managed to calm down enormously.

I left for the next test, an electrocardiogram, and after breakfast, I headed to the hospital area to have the first cycle of chemotherapy or as I like to call it, healing poison.

Exercise

Among the things I can control in this process is getting some exercise.

Every day I go for a walk for an hour, when it is no longer hot. Walking brings me a lot of peace and I use the walks to organize my thoughts.

I go at the pace my body and energy set for me that day, I never force myself to do more than I can do. Listening to my body is the best thing I can do.

I like to take pictures on my walks and reflect the peace they offer me, like the beautiful sunsets this summer.

Thanks for reading this far. In new posts I will tell you more about this personal process.

See you soon

Beatriz